You see, you can’t really make feel one understand what you’re up to when they don’t want to understand. You’re wasting your effort,time and words for a statue that has life but has got no value for your compassion towards them. Understanding and making one understand takes alot of effort. Inorder to step into the same boat one must seek a passenger who’s willing to get down to that very boat and be sure enough to sail off.

You’ll be told that you don’t care, when you cared the most

They’ll ask you to love them when they feel sad but won’t geniuenly appreciate your efforts

They might fake words about what they will do for you but even a slightest walking out of the circle will make them feel mad

Love isn’t what they ask, they ask to compete and completely destroy you

I would talk to myself every night with thousands of words tangled up with devasting scenarios and past scenes burning my soul that led to nothing but fucking pain. Fucking feeling lonely, crying, thoughts of killing myself but something that didn’t let me do it. That’s my most nights crawling forward to sleep myself just to wake up and see that face no matter how brutally my mind was facing it. Yah, I’m emotionally weak but stronger than before tbh. I stopped talking about my mental health though cause it’s just a burden for so many people cause they’re all facing the similar stuff. But, I got me I talk to myself and have myself back myself up. Waiting and wandering the wonders of life. They said Life is short there is no time to leave important words unsaid. I get that and it’s all true. But, you feel the loneliest when those words of yours are left unheard. When your words are actually a bitter statement for their discomfort and their unwillingness to hear it from your side. They tend to underestimate your efforts and supports that you exert just to be a little more understanding for them that’s what makes you feel lonely. When your words and efforts are nothing for them you feel excluded, unappreciated, and unloved. They realize that after you stop doing that and tbh sometimes it’s too late. You see, giving them the most of you wasn’t your fault, nor were those efforts. It’s all in the flow. You wanted that which you gave them. You feeling that way is your fault. Maybe I wasn’t that supportive enough to motivate them with every word that I spoke, or with my actions. But, I really supported them from the beginning to the very end until my last word. I wish nothing but greatness in all their lives and happiness that would make them feel appreciated, attracted towards and loved unlike me. I wish them prosperity.

Death is certain. One day, someday we’ll have to departure ourselves from this world. That’s the truth and it’s not bitter when you think of your own or you put yourself on that very image of you in that deathbed of yours. It hurts when you start losing someone who you love and wish to caress for the rest of your life goes by. The sorrow that we have in our life , closed up in a case, trying to hide it from the rest of the world is just insane. Everytime we close our eyes we see them. They aren’t here but they are indeed. Nothing has changed to be honest. The carpets, and the drapes, those shoe racks and the bed, they seem to be at the same place. The only thing that’s been missing is the feeling, the emotion that once used to rush within me with hope, happiness, and feeling protected by has been deemed. Stressful it is to feel nothing by feeling everything. Saying that, though we seem to be too advanced, too modern, too enlightened but still it’s too much pain , too much of sorrow to see someone leave and finding that you won’t even get a closure; a last goodbye. Rest in peace.

How am I supposed to defend myself when noone else is trying to understand the things that are coming out of my mouth? How am I supposed to pretend to be fine when all I’ve been doing is getting backfired, accused and blamed for stuffs that’s not even real for me? It’s so fucking wrong to be in this world. People can’t see their behaviours, their mistakes. We’re too good pointing fingers at others rather than ourselves. It’s sad. I hope I make the best of this life. Atleast for an hour or so. Noone is willing to pay attention on the bloody facts and logic that shower down through my brain. They are busy trying to find out a fucking pinch of flaw just to kick me out of their life.

He is not getting far from you neither he is asking for a space. He is not disrespecting you or being unloving. He’s just asking abit of attention , affection, and assurance from your side. Just to be precise, he doesn’t get carried away in just a night with this unwanted wave of thoughts. He’s not so weak that he gets captured by a mere thought of despite. It’s actually other way around. From the beginning wanting you was his only thought , his only choice that made him truly happy. Extremely happy that he was willing to do anything for you with you. Never took you as an option and guess he never will. But, over the course of time, the words that rained out of your mind, the thoughts you showered at him, the sign that you made him believe made him hard as a rock. He felt like a trash but believed it when you let him. He tried his best but wasn’t enough which made him feel he isn’t good enough. He loved you like noone else but the unappreciative communication made him introvert and down. It was never about a single day. He’s quite cause you didn’t listen, he’s hard cause you didn’t acknowledge his soft side and he suffers alone though he won’t show. As Chris rock said,” Only women, children,and dogs are loved unconditionally. Men are only loved under a condition that he provides.” Sad but most of the time it’s true.

I don’t have a particular thought. It’s erratic and damaged in every possible sense. Might be the process, change or just the fear of not being good enough for anyone. I can’t fucking address the cause for this unpleasant sensation that’s making my heart heavier. Tried numbing it for awhile, tried letting it go but it’s not that easy. You feel pain when you are connected to someone or something that you love and have a deep connection, might just be a material but still it counts. You can’t escape this can you? You’ll get pinned down by someone just because you’re afraid of the change, efforts won’t be visible for people but the result will. And that’s the pain. Everyone over here trying to seeking results way more faster than they on their own tracks would ever achieve. The first step you take will remain unseen and unheard just to make you feel bad. The change they seek won’t fucking make them happy and that my friend will be unacceptable. People love destroying your reality, disturbing your peace. Maybe I got alot of shits that I could handle on my own from the people surrounding me. Maybe I got unappreciated, hated and not understood for way more time that built up the wall to soltitude. Or maybe I’m too unskilled communicating to myself. I might be trying to speak out loud but all of consequences I ever faced made me ignore the urge to speak again.

You ever felt so damn fucked that you feel nothing? There’s nothing in here.

I get frightened by those words. Those words said by the dearest and nearest peoples in my life. In a constant Verge of losing myself and gaining myself back, I lost the track of being me. Unfortunately, in making of one realize how it feels to be hurt, I ended up being the one who was hurting. I’ve hurt way more people than I think. And this late realization is drowning me deep into the darkness. I’m afraid to open up ever again. I’m afraid to see myself again cause I believe I’ll probably hate myself. I’m afraid I’ll never be a betterman and I’m afraid of losing myself yet again. I was in a constant pain, these thoughts of mine never rested. I was having trouble submerging myself doing the things I felt passionate about before. I spoke up to the circle where I was comfortable with, I was defending myself from their behaviour of making me feel unworthy. And now I found out I was not only defending but was in a attacking phase too. I can’t defend myself saying “I was making you guys understand my pain”. For most of them my pain wasn’t even real, and for others they didn’t really care , not even right now. But, I’ve hurt them with my subconscious mind and I can’t take it back. I’m sorry.

Afraid to be seen,heard, or understood. Afraid to be the one for their downfall everytime.